So, I'm a klutz and forgot my login for my tumblelog. It kinda sucked anyway. What can I do on there that I can't do on here? Iunno. So forget about that. I'll just do stuff on here, when I remember to do stuff at all. Iunno.

Maybe I'll post points of a conversation I'm having with Kandace before I go to bed.

I have nothing to say. :(

Mood: blank

Alright, well it works. I don't even need to visit LiveJournal to post in it, and can simply open up a word application inside the browser to submit my words and hit "Publish". That being said, I'll be less lazy on my LJ updates, for those 5 of you or so who actually read it.

Hmm, I need to meet more people with livejournal accounts, or check if the people I do know actually have one.

I don't scribe my life to the world through lolspace or failbook, but I seem to have hundreds of friends on those networks. I should change this, huh?

To summarize my life real quick:

Truck.
Job = easter bunny photos starting in March.
Friends.
Happy.


:-)

I'll be back with more later.
~Paulman

Allegedly its a Firefox extension that lets you post to your blog without actually having to go to the site. If you see this, it works. Awesome!

BTW, if you still use an IE browser instead of Firefox, you're crazy.

~Paulman

Mindless Self Indulgence. Reflecting on it, that's the best damn name for a band I've ever heard. And it's a lot like what this post consists of.

So... 

Even though I indulged into the realm of Buddhism, I still never got the hang of what "enlightenment" is. This is because, well, when I see it described, it fits me. There are no deep cravings and fields of stress controlling my character. I have realized a while ago the "consciousness" of everything. The funny thing is that as I think into these things and these boundaries and such, as well as all these things I think so heavily about and discuss here in my journal, at the end of the day the most important thing in my life is merely a funny picture I saw earlier or the song that's stuck in my head. My favorite saying is that life is too important to be taken seriously. 

Maybe I'm enlightened. By my standards, there's no doubt. And it feels good to say, that I'm enlightened. But if I'm not, so fucking what? I'm the Paulman, the Dalai Lion, the Neo of my own matrix, the Buzz Lightyear outside his box. And I'm done indulging in my own self. You should be too. It's really a good stage of the mind to reach. 

Hm, do I always say this stuff at 1 in the morning? Ha.... Dalai Lion, that was pretty clever...

Much love,
~Paulman

P.S. Cause I've posted a quite egotistical entry, I'll clarify that my "Paulman" thing, including all that stuff I said earlier, it isn't a self-induced morale boost. It's, well... I suppose a sort of demonstration of the mind, how one can be dominant over their life. Nobody has to be subjectable to stress and unhappiness and pessimism, and I mean that in a "mind over matter" context. So many people fall into the darkest depths of negativity simply because they are convinced that there are millions of things in this life to be helpless to. So, if I come off as egocentric and entirely introversive, the message just isn't clear enough. But anyway, yeah, the Paulman thing is kind of just a symbol, not a boastful nickname of sorts.

Mood: Paulish

 Why am I who I am?

Song: Kansas- Dust In The Wind

 

How foolish. 


Not to imply that Buddhism is wrong, mind you. There are many traits of Buddhism that I do much admire and agree with. But to indulge into the perfection of mindfulness through enlightenment, whatever that may truthfully be, as the most productive option as a human being was pretty biased and irrational, and most importantly, not who I am at all. Again, I'm not saying Buddhists are irrational in any way, but my sudden switch to Buddhist principle mostly due to admiration was not well-structured. I would, however, incorporate the values of meditation and harmless action (in theory) into my life without a doubt.

What do I believe? Buddhism. Taoism. Wicca. Hinduism. Nihilism. Absolutism. Christianity. Satanism, and all the rest. Everything. There are core beliefs pertaining to the aim of humankind in all belief structures. Why not implement them all into one? I guess I would say I'm universal. I look into the various defined forms of thinking and I can't find one that consistently describes my rational and transrational thought. That's okay; labels are for soup cans anyway. The point is, I believe we should look at all things, transcend beyond our fixated thinking styles and evolve our conscience. If you believe yourself a pessimist, consider optimism. If you consider yourself a spiritualist, existentialist, etc., learn the values of the other sides. 

This pretty much expands into my simple "never stop questioning" principle I try to promote. So, there you have it.

Peace.

~Paulman

Song: zenchannel.com

I'm a Buddhist, I have a job with Elise working at the Santa setup in Lakeside Mall, I can drive, I'm getting a Zune, I'm going south to see my grandparents next week, and things are great.

Soon enough, I'll be even greater. You just wait. 

You should feel great too. It's really fun.

~Paulman

Song: Serj Tankian- Saving Us

My mom is losing her mind. My grandad went back in for surgery, and we may go down to see him in Tennessee soon. My sister and my mom have been talking, and occasionally coming onto the idea of moving there to be with them. I DO NOT WANT TO DO THAT.

I'm stressed (for once) right now, and I can't leave because my mom is having a panic attack. I would be going to talk to my best friends (if I lived with them in the near future, that would be amazing) but I can't get out.

I've already had the opportunity to make plans on moving out. I can't, because of the stress impact it would have on my mom. She doesn't have anything anymore, and she's been more than stressed out. She had a job, but doesn't have that anymore. It seems like if we (my sister and I) were to leave, she would have nobody around, ever. Not to mention we're running short on money.

I'm doing some driving so I can actually take my road test soon, like a few weeks kind of soon. Then I'll get a job, and raise some money. I need to get my own life going. I'm almost 20. I'm no child anymore.

If only this situation with my mom would be resolved...

Mood: restless
Song: Smashing Pumpkins- 1979

OR I could just post lyrics for One Week, by Barenaked Ladies!


Chickity China the Chinese chicken
You have a drumstick and your brain stops tickin'
Watchin' X-Files with no lights on
We're dans la maison
I hope the Smoking Man's in this one
Like Harrison Ford I'm getting frantic
Like Sting I'm tantric
Like Snickers, guaranteed to satisfy

Like Kurasawa I make mad films
Okay, I don't make films
But if I did they'd have a Samurai
Gonna get a set a' better clubs
Gonna find the kind with tiny nubs
Just so my irons aren't always flying off the back-swing
Gotta get in tune with Sailor Moon
'Cause the cartoon has got the boom anime babes
That make me think the wrong thing

How can I help it if I think you're funny when you're mad
Tryin' hard not to smile though I feel bad
I'm the kind of guy who laughs at a funeral
Can't understand what I mean?
Well, you soon will
I have a tendency to wear my mind on my sleeve
I have a history of losing my shirt

It's been one week since you looked at me
Dropped your arms to your sides
and said "I'm sorry"
Five days since I laughed at you and said
"You just did just what I thought you were gonna do"
Three days since the living room
We realized we're both to blame,
but what could we do?
Yesterday you just smiled at me
Cause it'll still be two days till we say we're sorry

Much love,
~Paulman

Setting: My island in the sky
Mood: thoughtful

My mind is racing, I have a cold, questions running through my mind that I can't answer, restlessness, loneliness, and now a headache. Not to complain, after all, I'm still just fine. Try me in an hour, I'll be better (minus the cold, but that's no big deal).


GRAAAHHHH

Maybe I'll compile my thoughts later and post an entry. Maybe.

Much love
~Paulman

Setting: the 10th dimension
Mood: crazy
Song: Iron Maiden- Infinite Dreams

1 response telling me my readings are appreciated = I keep' em coming. Which reminds me, my mom baked *cough* some great cinnamon rolls today. The house smelled incredible, ecstatic almost. That is, well, until I got full on cinnamon rolls, then it was torture. You know how that goes. Be seduced by scent then get the hell away from it. When I went to the theatre, I wasn't feeling popcorn for this exact reason. *shrug*

Actually, if nobody were here I think I'd be writing to myself. I really feel like writing out my thoughts, which was the point of getting this account in the first place. I write in a good-looking journal online, and as a bonus some of my friends can read and respond to it.

I've taken in a new standard, and it's already happening subconsciously. Instead of noticing differences, I notice similarities. I realize that given the same experience, I'd be the same as them. And they'd be the same as me. I can see and understand how I'd be acting under the norms they've grown accustomed to. It's a very simple thing to grasp, but look at most of us: we criticize someone's differences, think negatively of their personalities, place our judgment on them... We point out the differences that don't stack up, and we choose to like what we don't see often in people. Delusional much?

Maybe it's all a matter of who was fortunate enough to experience all the right lessons. Even with extraordinary people, I realize they're no different when you really get into their personality. To me, an interesting person is a refreshing sight because I am proud of my fellow person's success in experiencing character-building lessons (I object to the term "life-lesson", ask me why sometime).

One prominent feature I find myself thinking when I ponder the mind's workings of said fellow person is what they think of the people around them, and how they come to such decisions. Are they presumptuous? Untrusting? Conceited? Not that these traits make them a bad person. On the contrary, they make these people into... students, so to speak. Still unsure, still children at heart, still searching for a truth they can live with. What's sad is when people try to conclude and instill these traits in them with flawed theories. They come to conclusions and accept these flaws as what is right. They build walls. What does a wall do? Enclose. Close-mindedness roots from too many walls. If you don't stop considering alternatives to  your deep thoughts, you don't build walls, and you allow yourself a free mind.

That's all I've got for you folks (and myself) tonight.

Much love.
~Paulman

Song: Steve Vai- For The Love Of God

Haven't been updating lately because I don't see the point in doing so until I have a decent amount of friends actually on here. And I don't. I'd like to write more, but what's the point?

So, this is kinda lame.

Maybe I'll change my mind later? *shrug*

~Paulman

I'm so happy I could tear out your intestines and strangle you with them!!

~Paulman

Mood: Rectum.
Song: Muse- Hysteria

Why is it that I keep having fantasies about days I'd like to have, but they just about never seem to happen? I must change this. Again with the laziness, I'm just spending too much time around the house thinking I'll do what I want later on. That's not the way to do things. The problem MIGHT be that I've been thinking too much about a certain thing I should not care so much about. I've gotta get it off my chest and move on with my life accordingly. So I'll do that soon, you'll see.

You know, when I'm an old man (and if I don't live to be an old man I will be really disappointed) I want to have one of those worn-in smiles. Have I discussed that on here before? I hope not. Well I've been thinking about that. I want to be an old man who is known for never getting angry at anything, has a natural, worn-in smile, talks to anyone who could use the talking to, and so on. I'm gonna be the coolest, nicest old guy ever. Except people will have to repeat themselves a lot, if hearing aid technology hasn't been mastered by then. Cause I kill my ears with music all the time.

Music is about the best concept in the world. Seriously, if you have music you're crazy about, feel free to recommend me to it and I'll listen and probably get some of it for myself. The only genres that stand out to me as genres I usually don't like are country, rap, and any metal focused more on screaming than instruments. Everything else I most likely will enjoy. I don't even care about the genre. I only list those because they're the ones that I can just about never find enjoyment out of. I want to go to music concerts more often.

Oh, and tomorrow I'm going to go to the Fraser fair I think. Meet me there? We'll have a ball.

I could write a lot more but I suddenly no longer feel like it. Aren't I a tease? Ha. I'll finish some other time.

Take care
~Paulman

Song: QUEEN- Under Pressure

LOTS AND LOTS AND LOTS OF SUPER MARIO WORLD. That's what's up. I might start recording myself and hosting it online. Probably not on youtube.

The Protector has kinda crummy plot, but it's reeeaally fun to watch! Insane fight scenes make me wowgasm. You should watch. Tony Jaa wins at life.

There's not much else going on in my life, except for deep thought, which I don't think I'll write here right now. Much better things I could be doing... like playing SMW... <_<

I'll make a bigger, more entertaining post later. Mmk?

Song: Third Eye Blind- Jumper

Imagine all electricity gone, with the exception of battery-operated things (though batteries eventually show to be very hard to come by), for an undetermined amount of time. It's already been weeks. They can't bring things back online, and word of mouth is that they're not making much progress, and it could be anywhere from weeks to months before things are back to normal.

Would you be okay? How drastically would your life be changed? Would you be changed, as a person, after things are back to normal? Are you dependent on your electricity? Would you be dependent after the event?

Leave comments, discuss.

Mood: thoughtful
Song: Ozzy- You're No Different

I'm separating myself from the computer. I'm too computer dependant, I found. I waste so much time on here. I don't NEED to talk to friends online and look up nonsense. I'd rather be outside, reading, watching movies, or something like that. I don't need to update the world on my status every night. It's ridiculous that I'm sitting in front of this damn thing so often. I feel obligated to get back to my computer to check for messages and all that nonsense. I want to break that obligation. So I'm not gonna be online as much, if it goes well.

Okay, that's all. L8R. 
~Paulman

Mood: Alive
Song: King Crimson- In The Court of the Crimson King

Mood: peaceful
Song: The Beatles- Across The Universe

I got more than enough sleep. 10 hours last night, plus a 4 hour nap this afternoon? Okay.

I'm bored! I'm downloading Shivering Isles, but it's going SLOWLY.

Changed my mind. Don't want to make a big update. Boo hoo for you. L8R.
~Paulman

Song: RHCP- Road Trippin'